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Today is a little different on the show. I got a bee in my bonnet about something and decided to do this episode as a response and to take the time to also script the show so that it could stand alone as a blog post below for greater accessibility.
Authoring Onward is a show about all things to do with the writing life, and you all know that two of the things I’m really passionate about are time management and parenting while writing. But more than that, I’m interested in how to do those things in a sustainable way, to create a creative life that’s both fulfilling and practical. This is a show about actionable tips for authors, and I haven’t thus far used this show to make responses to others’ opinion pieces or advice or to address another writer or content creator directly, but recently something came up on my Twitter feed that I couldn’t ignore.
It’s far from the first creative world controversy that has given me some strong opinions, and it isn’t the one most desperately in need of a response, but it hit at the right time, when I had the bandwidth to make such a response and it pushed all my parenting, writing, and time management buttons.
I’ve talked a lot about living the writing life while parenting on this show, and I’ve written a short book, Writing Without Childcare, on that very topic. I’ve had plenty more thoughts on the topic since its publication—and I’ve also lived through a pandemic and watched my kids age into different stages—so eventually I’ll update and issue a new version, but I still stand by the essentials. And this book is free as an eBook, if you’d like to learn more after what I share today. Just remember to take what works for you and toss the rest.
So here’s what’s got me so riled up, a recent letter to Slate’s Care and Feeding column, a parenting advice column. (Find the letter in question at the bottom of the page.) The letter itself is fine. In fact, it’s all too relatable. The advice given by Care and Feeding… well, you’ll see.
Here’s the gist.
A visual artist, using the pseudonym Uncreative Parenting, feels their days are so busy with caring for a baby, plus the need to keep up the house while the baby sleeps, that they have almost no time for creativity, and when they do, they feel like their brain is mush and they have nothing left to give to their creative endeavors. Their husband frequently works on remote sites for months at a time, so they are on their own.
But they know they need a creative outlet.
The brief response, framed as “tough love,” has drawn a lot of criticism on social media. To summarize, the columnist tells Uncreative Parenting to find a way, to sacrifice sleep, to let their house get messy, and to find a nanny or get a friend or family member to watch the baby in order to “follow your dreams.” The columnist tells Uncreative Parenting that millions of parents are productive in side hustles. Some more choice quotes: “ All I’m hearing is a bunch of excuses.” “If they can do it, why can’t you?” “Are you window shopping on your dreams or are you ready to do whatever it takes to achieve them? Best-selling author Brendon Burchard said it best: ‘Mediocrity begins the precise moment you swap the love for a challenge with the love of comfort.’”
Yikes.
I trust that y’all listening have the compassion to cringe at this advice, just as I did, however the advice may have been intended. And it truly may have been intended kindly. But it wasn’t delivered very kindly, and rather than tough love, I think a lot of this is unhelpful at best, dangerous at worst. And I’m going to break it down.
First, the opening. Almost the first sentence: “All I’m hearing is a bunch of excuses.”
This person has taken the time—a precious portion of their extremely limited time—to write to this column. They’re not simply venting their frustrations—though if that were all they were doing, it would be understandable. No, they want real solutions. Advice. And this language casts the writer as disingenuous and/or gaslights them. This line says, “Your problems aren’t real.” If you came to someone for advice, told them your problem, and then were told that you don’t really have a problem or that you don’t really want to solve it, would you absorb anything that came after that very well? I know I wouldn’t.
And the fact is that parenting young kids is HARD. It is hard when you have a partner with you, participating equally all the time. Uncreative Parenting’s partner isn’t there for very long stretches. They have to be utterly exhausted. Don’t tell them they need more hustle. They are hustling as hard as a person can.
Furthermore, the side hustle thing: Nowhere did this person indicate that they were trying to earn money at this point, only that they wanted—no, needed a creative outlet. And I get that big time. I’ve been there. After Hurricane Harvey, when my family was stranded in a new city, no relatives, no friends, in a crummy apartment with electricity issues and only mattresses and pillows on the floor, the days stretched on endlessly as I cared for a two-year-old and a four-month-old in that drab, gray place, with no rest until my husband came home from work. And at least he came home from work every day! Like Uncreative Parenting, my creative work had slipped away. I had barely a moment to myself, and my brain was mush too. And a piece of my soul was missing because I wasn’t creating. That’s not about side hustle. Uncreative Parenting is in survival mode. And a simple creative outlet is about mental and emotional survival, not career success.
In survival mode, having a creative business is almost impossible, and I wish I’d let myself take an intentional pause in my writing career much earlier than I did back when I was in survival mode myself. It would have saved me so much frustration to take that pressure off myself. It sounds to me like Uncreative Parenting has already had the wisdom to do that. They say, “How does a parent maintain a creative hobby?” not a creative business, and state that they were anticipating a big downturn in creative output while caring for a baby. So let’s give them some practical advice on how to do what they are actually trying to do.
First, for me, what helped was lowering the bar. A ton. So low that I’d practically trip over it. Naptime was golden. Especially when I was lucky enough to get both kiddos napping at once. So even though my brain felt like mush, I started incredibly small, writing or drawing for just five minutes. Then I could scroll my phone, stop thinking, and disconnect from the world for a little bit, enjoy the precious quiet.
So, I’d tell this person to lower their bar as much as they possibly can. Try to make art for five minutes every weekday. If that’s too much, try four minutes, or three or two or even one. And I’d tell them to know that even that tiny amount will feel hard. Then after what feels like a really long time, when that tiny amount doesn’t feel so hard anymore, bump it up a teensy, tinsy bit at a time. Don’t get swept away with notions that you’ll bump it up to lofty heights, creating for hours at a time every day. Even thirty minutes a day will take a really long time to get to. And some days you’ll backslide. You’ll slip back down to five minutes. Or nothing at all. That’s okay. Just get back on the horse the next weekday.
But let’s tackle the actionable tips that the columnist did include. First, they recommend sacrificing sleep.
Do not do this. You need sleep. NEED it. Sometimes the creative frustration may make you feel like you need art more than you need sleep, but that is not true. You must sleep to live. You must live to care for your child. You must live to make more art. Sleep, everyone. Please, sleep.
There is a dangerous myth that artists must suffer for their art. But artists who suffer and create great work do so despite their suffering, not because of it. You are far more likely to create a masterpiece when you are healthy, well rested, and not overly stressed.
So sleep.
Next, how about the suggestion to let the house get messy? Well, I know I’ve had these same frustrations and feelings of impossibility while the house was already a giant wreck! Many parents in survival mode have already let a lot of housework go because they cannot keep up the way they once did. I’m going to guess that the writer has probably not been desperately scrubbing their kitchen cabinets instead of making art and was just waiting for someone to give them permission to let that slide. I doubt there are many artists who would choose folding clothes over creating.
And also, even in a super messy house, there is a certain amount of housework that must happen. Clothes have to get washed. Eventually, you have to do dishes to still have plates to eat off of. And Uncreative Parenting’s husband is away for months on end. They have to do it all!
Let’s tackle the other suggestion, hiring a nanny or getting a family or friend to help with the baby. This is the most practical solution Care and Feeding presented, but it isn’t feasible for everyone. We don’t know whether Uncreative Parenting has family or friends nearby or the resources to hire a nanny, even for a small amount of time per week. If they do, I recommend it as an investment in their emotional health. I’ve said it many times: creating without childcare is the hardest possible way to work. As soon as a drop-in daycare opened and I could take my babies there just for a few hours once a week, the fog seemed to clear. I had time to create and to breathe and to be human. And all of our lives improved.
Finally, I’ll address this quote: “Are you window shopping on your dreams or are you ready to do whatever it takes to achieve them? Best-selling author Brendon Burchard said it best:
‘Mediocrity begins the precise moment you swap the love for a challenge with the love of comfort.’”
There is nothing about being a parent of young kids, especially a solo parent, that is comfortable. There is love. There is meaning. There is joy. There is coping. But there is not comfort.
Now, I don’t want to judge intent here. The advice given in this column, problematic as it may be, I will assume was given in a spirit of helpfulness. And even the aggressive tone may have been intended kindly.
Because here is some actual tough love of my own: This won’t be easy. And a response full of sunshine and rainbows and toxic positivity won’t do Uncreative Parenting any good. They need honesty. And honestly, even five minutes a day of creative activity will be hard.
But the problems that Uncreative Parenting is facing, problems that millions of parents face, problems that people in many kinds of non-parenting survival mode situations face, those problems are real. And stating them out loud isn’t making excuses.
That’s my two cents, but what’s yours? If you’ve got actual advice you’d give to creative folks in survival mode, whether parenting-related or not, please comment below. We could all use more tips to find what works for us.